apathismus.

2010-01-26T19:03:00.000-08:00

i'm surrounded by ugly stupid people

2009-03-07T01:58:00.000-08:00

dryhdfghhdf.

r6yrye.

wicked game

2009-03-04T21:21:00.000-08:00

to me, the chris isaak song epitomizes the sensuality in utter despair. the lyrics are nothing too spectacular, and the composition is really very simple, but it definitely makes for perfect driving music when you're mildly depressed and in the middle of nowhere. i want to go to las vegas, right fucking now.

Chris Isaak - Wicked Game

in other really unimportant things i could write about, i am not looking forward to the next week. there are only two solutions: 1. engineer owl drugs and catch an owl and make him large enough so i can ride him to safety in singapore. or 2. kill myself and take down as many innocents in the process

both are so difficult. life is so difficult. just grant me peace of mind, god, and some crown fried chicken please. yay, 7am. another day of no sleep thanks to myself.

sometimes i like to draw pictures of ugly little men with long beards and cat eye glasses. sometimes the roles reverse and they like to draw me, i get stuck in the paper, and they etch me out in pencil and crayon. the outline hurts. is it just me or is the upright bass an incredibly attractive instrument? i think i will become a crip so i never have to match my clothes again. what's on the menu today? blue royals and a blue shirt. blue bandanna to bring it together, the cherry on the cake. i think i shall do the dishes. it's kind of relaxing to do the dishes when everyone is asleep. i like to restore faith in the idea of a santa claus- a jolly man who comes in the night and does nice things. the only nice things that happen around here anymore are the severance of ties. it's not nice though, it's like that movie where the australian kids go out into the wilderness to see a meteor crater and end up getting brutally dismembered and set aflame by this serial killer who looks vaguely like crocodile dundee. that's why steve irwin died, because australia is a harsh and unfriendly environment, full of murderers and animals with pouches. i don't believe that water flows in the opposite direction when you flush the toilet- it's like the coming of christ- i won't believe it until i've seen it for myself. why is it that people named steve are so hard to deal with? imagine going on a drive to a natural landmark and coming back dead. you'd only have yourself to blame, and the lack of lighter fluid, which is why you should always carry a spare. you knock out your captor, and you torch his body. that way if he wakes up, he doesn't wake up. because he's dead. because you don't wake up when you're dead. maybe you don't sleep either. that leaves me with a worrisome thought

absolut lawl

2009-03-02T23:59:00.000-08:00

too much musics, not enough tiem

just kidding. i really need some new hobbies. haven't i been saying that for a while? i guess i'll just continue to repeat it until it happens, which will be never. i haven't seen the sun in... days. i become opaque! BRING TEH HATE

it disturbs me immensely to think about who may be reading my various blogs and hate sites throughout the interwubber. however, i continue to post. why? there is nothing else to do in the winter in philadelphia at 5am when all of your friends are finishing their midterms. and now you know the motivation behind why i do most of what i do

in other news, i downloaded tokyo anal dynamite. why do they even bother? the gerogerigegege only ever disappoints. what a waste of a band. i can't wait to listen to an hour and a half recording of some japanese womb dropping taking a shit... seriously. what a waste of disc space. i could've downloaded more unintelligible krautrock with all of that space. music should be banned. what garbage. i can't wait to listen to it. if i were barack obama, i'd stop being black for a second and use my presidental powers to outlaw noise bands. i wish i had more jarboe, listening to her is like getting dicked in the ear by your dying neighbor, who happens to be a peasant in a medieval village. luckily they had leaches, at least if you were dying, they could bleed you until you died some more. then the dead cart comes around, and you drop your uncle on a pile of other people's uncles, because they're sorted by familial status. what importance!

but really. i can't wait to listen to it, expect a review pretentiously worthy of pitchfork. they should really hire me.

as of late

2009-03-02T00:13:00.000-08:00

just saw this. i think i'm going to get severely obsessed with marco ferreri in the upcoming months as i have decided i'm going to stop drinking so much. the excess time will need to be filled up with something, and what better than italian art house films? my new room in fair lawn is to be decorated as if anita pallenberg lived there, anyway. i think i shall become an anachronistic hermit, if i'm to live there without killing myself. and after i've made enough money, i think i'll move out and live in a commune, a la amon düül. my goals are sensible, but my feet are cold. buy me a tropical island?

harajuku rockabilly gangs

2009-03-01T05:48:00.000-08:00

absolute best thing ever? japanese rockabilly. those fuckers truly have taken and orgasmed all over a primarily american subculture. as if sailor moon and malice mizer weren't bad enough. experience:

to do:

become rockabilly pin-up girl

go to japan

dance in public with new japanese friends

dear everyone

2009-02-24T01:15:00.000-08:00

i'm sorry i've been ignoring you. it's nothing personal, i actually really appreciate you and your role in my life, however big or small. i'd really love to talk to you, and hang out with you, and drive around and listen to shoegaze with you. however, i am drunk as fuck, and slightly depressed, and lacking a car and my edgard varese discography has still not come in the mail.

spring is so far away. california is so far away.

love,

heidi

p.s sorry for the namedropping, the drunken insults, etc. drop me a text to remind me that you still exist.

p.p.s come to learn that it doesn't matter how ugly you are, as long as you have good taste in music and a delay pedal. you will always get what you want.

Ulrich Schnauss - Stars

ivy and brick house, south of france

2009-02-23T01:26:00.000-08:00

i think my nose is going to fall off.

sometimes i think it's almost too easy to do things you probably shouldn't

po-mo pall mall

2009-02-16T13:43:00.001-08:00

i think this blog is just turning into a documentation of me going insane.

i'm back in philly! oh i have missed this place so, so much. the fun and the people and the dirty streets and the abundance of artsy art hipster faggots. oh philly, i'm so glad we're friends again!

fyi, all those who are lurking here who live in and around philly, let's hang OUT

pointless

2009-02-12T18:36:00.000-08:00

if you need me, you can find me in a treehouse down at the end of a dirt road where i have taken up residency. it is a treehouse i built myself, it is austere and modest but caters to basic stuructural needs and serves as an interface between me and the tree. visual appeal is not taken into consideration when you've got no more than three crumpled dollars and stolen hotel bedsheets. this where i live now and it's where i'm also going to die.

this is not delineating a solution to my lack of purpose as a human being but rather acting as a therapeutic support to my plagued sponge of a mind. i am waste embodied. there was once a time when i did not doubt the physical or mental need for anything, where i would get out of bed in the morning and answer the phone when people called, and make credit card payments and go to class and write essays with substance, rather than blog entries riddled with new clever ways to be self-depreciating. where did that part of me go?

i have no desire to do the things i once did, to make nice with enemies and to go to college and become some sort of engineering genius with a winning personality and bright teeth and a house full of bauhaus-esque chairs. here i am, a box of nails in my head and nothing but southern comfort and lewd pictures to look forward to. in such an expansive place as this warm rock you'd thing i would've found better use for whatever talents i could've developed, whatever context you could write me into. maybe it's best to become a factory and put up with the bullshit of my body as a living thing, and not a tombstone.

and what's this? an outlet? a pitiful medium for my repressed exhibitionism? the perverted relationship between a sick person and the bathroom floor? it's the biblical solution to the finality of how it all feels. maybe i'm losing my edge. maybe i need to get a job. there is no sophistication in this, just half thought-out abandon. i'm going to sleep, goodnight.

we fed bill to jeremy

2009-02-11T16:43:00.000-08:00

NOW HE'S DEAD

today is my little sister's birthday. we came out of the same uterus. isn't that disturbing? at some point, i lived INSIDE my mother. and then i moved out and my sister moved in. children are parasites. i don't know how anyone lets that happen to themselves. i don't want no baybays,.shred babies in blenders and make milkshakes, and i am damn good at making milkshakes. so good, it's not unreasonable to believe that my milkshake would indeed, bring the boys to the yard. the back yard. where we throw old chicken and cardboard boxes so the stray cats have a place to sleep.

by the way, today is day 21 of being trapped in new jersey without a car or any benadryl. SOMEONE BRING ME SOME BENADRYL. and fruit.

chronic

2009-02-09T18:11:00.000-08:00

1, 2.
1, 2.
1, 2.

you are moving your left foot. now your right. you are now dancing to electronik music. lift your hands, peons. you are now worshipping your tin DJ god. praise him.

the state as a coffin

2009-01-27T21:56:00.001-08:00

everyone here is dying, it's only responsible that we make preparations for the funeral. winter is a time of dank misery. we're all going out in grey. dirty highway snow in headlights.
and when did i become so morbid? remember the days of exclamation points a-plenty. they'll come back, maybe when it gets warmer. sprouting up from dirt, punctuation gardening. water them with rum and vinegar. eventually when they've grown, we can sit out on the lawn and bask in their shade. the neighbors will only stare when there's nothing on tv.

take a piece of you and make it part of me
i'll keep it away
self-righteous jealousy

god i'm deep

end

die young, stay pretty

2009-01-22T14:13:00.000-08:00

i miss the south.

i had more to say but i forgot it.

SOUTH CAROLINA, I WILL BE BACK. I WILL HUNT GATORZ IN YOUR SWAMPS AND BUY CIGARETTES AT YOUR NO-NAME GAS STATIONS.

one day, one day. i'm gonna skip-hop-get the fuck out of here. until then, i must revel in my newfound love for really technical progressive music and seeing those i dislike wallow in misery due to circumstances they can't control.

i don't wish bad things on people, i'm just getting my sadistic kicks while i'm still young and not homeless. it's coming. meow meow mewowemwomwo mewom mew

i want 600 cats and they will all have 10 babies each. then i can start a cat farm

what a good use of your time, reading this entry. i hope you will continue to spend your time as well in the future, maybe one day you'll graduate college. or you can sustain a job as a mail clerk. either way. go die

Why? - Vowels Pt. 2

too nihilistic to lift my head

2009-01-14T19:52:00.000-08:00

i have nothing to say. indifference
has become me.

depression? no. i've seen it all too many times to shed a tear.

vomitting in the public bathroom
too much rum and

there's nothing but more of this.
it's sad to know
that there are places other than here.

i hate winter when i'm alone.

dear everyone;

2009-01-05T07:57:00.000-08:00

i am a deeply bitter person.
love,
heidi.

ps. someone come drive around with me and my cat.

new years' domination

2009-01-01T09:02:00.000-08:00

"happy new years you scum sucking peices of shit"

i woke up this morning and logged on to my various accounts on different sites. it's usually the first thing i do in the morning, no exceptions, including on days when the walls are moving.

to my terror, at some point last night i must have also logged on. i drunk internet-talked to EVERYONE i'd fucking ever met. horror. no, really. there are a lot of people in the world i should just never talk to again. i sort of got that really bad christmas morning feeling, the feeling right after you come downstairs and you remember that you'd told your mom to suck a dick the night before and the pile under the christmas tree is much smaller than it usually is. and you open your present and your mom is like "SURPRISE I GOT YOU SOCKS. YOU UNGRATEFUL BAG OF FUCK." (that's actually never happened to me before.) anyway i logged on to myspace and the only bulletins up were from band, a chronic myspace whore, and... me.

Subject:	happy new years you scum sucking peices of shit
Body:	I <3>

and... my personal favorite:

Subject:	let's resurrect dead people and turn them into musicians
Body:	yea

what the fuck, me.

also i logged on to facebook. terrifying results.

i am getting 'happy new years!''s back from people like a motherfucker. yo, guys, I WAS DRUNK. i don't actually want to talk to you, kid that i was in german class with in 10th grade. and you either, cousin of person that i don't like. why did i message you? oh, i was just BEIN' MILEY. and spreading the holiday cheer. you know.

my text outbox was more fun. i'm just going to transcribe every message after the last coherent one.

starts at 10:17. after which i'd had a beer and three glasses of wine (moar liek WHINE amirite?)

"phat."

"DRUNK! lol' (i am obnoxious.)

"LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL LOL"

"LOL. LOOOOL"

"I HATE YOU" (to a stranger)

"pi"

"who dis"

"this is your neighborhood friend God"

"why are the walls moving/\/\/\/\/"

"I AM AN ABSURDIST PLAY"

"MATT ARE YOU TRIPPING BALLS BECAUSE I AM TRIPPING BALLS"

there were a few more. but they weren't interesting/ made less sense than these did.

i'm a literary genius, goddamn.

i am almost too afraid to log on to last.fm. i think i know what i did there. ffffffffffffffffuck. oh well.

actually, more terrifying than any of this, is the fact that i woke up and the whole house smelled like fire. but that is a story for another time. a rainy day mayhaps, when the grandkiddies are nestled all close to the fire, drinking hot chocolate, eating graham crackers and human flesh.

addendum. i am sorry to everyone who i harrassed last night. i usually don't do that. but aaayy, it's new years, time to get wilin'. and be MILEY. fuck yeah, yah?

anyway i decided i'm going to upload an MP3 with every entry, so reading this wasn't a complete waste of your time (just kidding. it really was. and you can't get those three minutes back! FUKKIN LOL'd.) here's the orthotonics. i don't actually know anything about them except for the fact that there songs would probably make more sense if i were fred frith. or a giant faggot. same thing, really.

but really, fred frith produced this album. sorry fred, suck my dick a little, alright? yeayuhr

The Orthotonics- Some of Us

greetings, fine people of the internet

2008-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

after about 16,000,908,423,002 unsuccessful blogs that i create and update and then forget about or start avoiding for some reason, i think this one will stay. one, i like the name i thought of, and two, i'm done with avoidance (lie), and three, i think this is nice and anonymous enough for me to be satisfied with (also, a lie. this is the fucking internet. the only anonymous place is 4chan and i am so done with that (also, a lie)).

well, fuck. i really had more to say but i can't remember it. oh well. fuck you! i probably don't like you anyway.

anyway, just in case everyone wanted to know, it's not snowing in philly.

boring. oh, sorry for wasting your time. come back later! maybe there will be something of worth here. but i sincerely doubt it. i really just wanted to contribute to the already cluttered collective consciousness that is the internet. it is my goal to (in my own small and insignificant way) contribute to the apocalypse. so here we are.